EPISODE 064 | Becoming Uncomfortable with My Discomfort: A Story of Healing from Abandonment
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If a large part of being human involves an importance on relationships because we so deeply need connection to thrive, what happens when one of the most important relationships in a human life is purposefully absent?
In this episode, Mal shows us the answer to this question by so eloquently and clearly connecting the dots in his own life and journey with abandonment - he shows us how the initial trauma event evolves and plays out in negative cycles as well as how to turn those patterns around and love yourself.
On the surface, this episode is about dealing with complex parental relationships and the far reaching impact they have. But, underneath, we really dig deep into what it looks like to choose self destruction when your self worth is tied to the love or lack of love you receive from a parent, especially when you equate love and caring with presence. Then, we explore the turning point when Mal realized he could keep going down the path of self destruction, or he could choose to start healing, mentally and physically.
So many times in our society, we consider things that come up, such as health issues or events that happen to us, for example, to all be disparate entities, ignoring how one stepping stone leads to another - cause and effect - because the bigger picture isn’t always immediately clear as life unfolds in front of us. When we look back with hindsight, we can then see how intertwined each event was and how each culminates into your present moment.
Mal so generously presents this hindsight view to us, so we can see a holistic experience, or in other words, the bigger picture of how cause and effect played out in his life. And not only does it become clear how Mal’s life events fit together, but he even expresses how necessary each stepping stone was. He says, “For better or worse, the path I’ve ended up going down, the ups the downs, the dips, the valleys, have been necessary in some way.”
Episode Highlights
Getting to know Mal
Why Mal moved to Texas from Northern England, including ASMR (YouTube’s Whisper Community) and how Mal met his wife
A father’s role in a boy’s life versus a girl’s life and the importance of presence
The importance of listening in a parent-child relationship
The difference between a mother and father relationship
The last moment Mal saw his dad
His memory of him is fading
Why the last image is the strongest
Piecing together birth dates, death dates, and whether or not Mal has siblings
Why Mal hasn’t tried to meet his siblings
The importance of Mal’s mom and grandmother in his strong home base - the shaping of Mal’s outlook
The space in a father’s absence, from understanding choice and rejection as it plays into processing abandonment
When and how unresolved abandonment manifested in Mal’s mental and physical health
Anxiety
depression
Low self esteem and negative self talk
The path of comparison and feelings of inadequacy leading to self destruction
Eating for comfort and weight gain
The fork in the road moment
Taking healthy change one day at a time and tangible steps to take for making difficult physical life changes
How to shift your mindset, which plays into making healthy changes
Using low points as a reference
The impact of abandonment on relationships
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Grappling with imposter syndrome
Learning to love the self
Being conscious of what to avoid
The search for Mal’s father’s death date, including a visit to the grave side
Closure
Contemplating if he made the right choice and the complexity of choices we have as humans
About Mal
Mal Foster is a lad from Northern England, now living in Texas.
An only child with a vivid imagination and a curious mind, Mal has been known to wear many hats. The most prominent one right now is that of creator, presenter, and producer of the 'Dimed Out' podcast.
Part personal journal, part universal microscope. Dimed Out has become an audio journey of anthropology. An exploration of everything from self-growth and science to subcultures and curious life experiences.
Outside of this Mal is the proverbial round peg to the world's square hole. He has a definitive love of cats, The Clash and one day hopes to finally visit Tokyo. He doesn't take himself too seriously. Struggles with compliments and writing complimentary things to promote himself and oh, yeah…he's working on a book that he swears one day will be finished.
Links
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A Space I Can Fill with Love - article by Mal Foster
